A Worse Fallout
by klcm
Summary: When Derek dies Penelope spirals, the team fear too much when the truth comes out. 'Rated M due to use of suicide'
1. Not Gone

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds

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Penelope had been sitting in her office now for 2 hours, doing nothing, just staring; she had gotten the news to tell her that Derek Morgan was one of the fatalities of a building that had collapsed after a bomb went off.

She looked at her wedding ring, 3 months of marriage to him over, in a heartbeat gone. Although it was only just made public, she was still married to the man of her dreams. She sat there twiddling the ring; she was a widow now, alone in the world after sharing 3 years with a man who claimed to be madly deeply in love with her, a man that had been her best friend for 10 years of her life. She picked her cell up and rang his number, just in some crazy hope that he would answer and sing a nickname into her ear, let it snake in her brain like it usually did but all she got was his voice as a voicemail and that was nowhere near what she needed, that wasn't him.

She stood up and left her office, she walked down to the bullpen, opened the large glass door, walked to his desk and sat in his seat, she didn't cry, she just lavished him in one of the places he loved to be. She stood, taking his personal effects, not all; she couldn't cope with doing them all and headed out, and went home.

She drove on autopilot, she needed to phone Fran, tell her that her son was dead, that she hadn't had those grandbabies she had pried for, for so long. She parked on the drive and wasn't surprised to see an SUV in the drive.

'Penelope.' Hotch's voice greeted her.

'I'm fine.' She said and as the lie slipped through her lips the tears beckoned and fell. She felt Hotch's arms take her in an embrace and she broke fully. 'He isn't dead.' She sobbed angrily. 'He wouldn't leave me!'

'Penelope...'

'He promised to never leave me!'

'Let's get you in.'

'I want to see him.'

'You can't.'

'I need to see him.'

Hotch said nothing, just took Penelope's hand and led her inside, he locked the front door, and it was then she realised he had his go bag with him, he was sticking around. This was real. 'Penelope, the fire department couldn't find anything but a few remains.' He saw her whiten. 'His badge was there, as was his cell.'

'But he...'

'Was there...' He didn't finish the sentence.

'He might not be dead then!' Penelope bargained. 'If you haven't got a body, then he's out there, maybe he's hurt, we need to find him!'

'Penelope! You aren't going to find him; he didn't come out of that alive.'

'He had too!'

'No!' Hotch snapped, and he got the break he needed from Penelope as she fell to pieces again. 'We're all here for you.'

'But you aren't him are you?'

'I know we're not but we're a family, we help each other.'

'Was it quick?' Penelope asked and after hesitation from Hotch she looked up. 'Was his death quick? He didn't suffer?'

'He didn't suffer.' Hotch replied. 'Instantaneously.'

'Good.' Penelope said and left and head upstairs. 'You don't need to stick around Hotch, I'm fine.' She called out and he heard her enter the bathroom, he then settled on the couch, he wasn't leaving her.

After 10 minutes he heard the door open and Penelope came down and stared at him. 'You're stuck with me.' He said pushing the glass of wine on the coffee table towards her. 'When did you last talk to him?'

'Hotch; I don't want to do this.'

'Maybe not but you need to, so when did you last talk to him?'

'About 20 minutes before you raided, he pushed all the right buttons with that conversation.' She smiled and wiped the tears from her face. 'I can't survive without him.'

'You will Penelope, you can do it.'

'I don't think I can.'

'He knows you can too.'

'But he was everything to me and now I'm all alone, after everything and he's gone.' She said sobbing again, the wine forgotten. 'He isn't gone, I'd know, but he isn't gone.' She said shaking her head. 'What am I going to tell Fran?'

'I've rang her already, she's on her way here with Sarah and Desiree.' Penelope nodded to him. 'We'll start everything tomorrow, but for now I think you need to get some sleep, you've been on the go since yesterday.'

Penelope just stood and emotionlessly walked herself to hers and Derek's bedroom, she crawled in, not bothering to shut the door, she pulled the quilt up and over her, and then just took his pillows in her arms, sucking in his smell. She cried herself to sleep that night, she cried herself to sleep nightly after that.

'It's been 3 days and she has hardly spoken.' Fran commented as Penelope pottered about the house, straightening up, not so much as a word of help came from her. 'This isn't healthy.'

Hotch looked around the women, all had evidently been crying, Fran looked the most at ease with her son's death, in a way she had been waiting for the call, for the day she lost her son doing the one thing he loved to do, protect. It was reminiscent of how her husband went, in all his glory. The two sisters looking like their protector was now gone and they were vulnerable in the world without him.

'Well the funerals tomorrow, maybe that will shake her enough to let us in.'

'Maybe she could come back to Chicago for a bit.' Sarah added. 'It might help her to be close to him there.'

'She won't leave here; this is where she loves him the most.'

'Its got memories.' Penelope added as she entered the kitchen. 'Is tomorrow all set?'

'Penelope we don't have to do this.'

'We do, it needs to be perfect.'

'Everything's done.'

'But is it done properly? Is everything ready? How he wanted it?'

'Yeah it is.'

Penelope just nodded. 'I'm going to go to bed.' She just walked out and left the 4 of them there, it wasn't even late afternoon, everyday she had just slept, she hardly ate, drank and she rarely exerted herself into anything other than rearranging things on shelves, or the cushions on the sofa.

They all looked at one another, hopefully after the funeral she would become more like the Penelope that Derek loved.


	2. Reclaiming Normalcy

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds

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Penelope rolled over in the bed and put her arm out to place on the statuesque body of the man of dreams only for her arm to fall and hit the mattress, she cried again that it would be like that forever more.

She got up and walked into the bathroom, she stood and looked at herself, she felt the emptiness and the lack of want in her life but she knew she had to pull herself together. Today was the day she would be burying him, the final goodbye, and she knew she couldn't do it. Yet she also knew she wouldn't be given the opportunity to break down, so she power drove herself and left the bathroom. She entered the kitchen and got herself a drink; she noticed she was shaking as she sipped but ignored it.

'Penelope?' Fran asked only for Penelope to jump and drop the glass, it smashing on direct contact with the tiles flooring. 'Oh don't move.'

'It's okay.' Penelope replied and started to shift the glass with her bare hands. She cut her hands up but didn't feel it, she didn't care, her emotional pain was more.

'Penelope you're bleeding.'

'I'm okay.'

'No, you get to the sink and wash your hands.'

'I said I'm okay.' Penelope sensed Fran tense up as her angry tone rang out loudly. 'I'm sorry.'

'It's okay dear, really is.' Fran said and guided Penelope to the sink before rinsing her hands over. 'You need to be more careful.'

'I will be.' Penelope responded and held some cloth to mini cuttings on her hands. 'I'm going to get ready.'

'Okay.' Fran said and watched Penelope walk away, just to be replaced by Desiree and Sarah, already dressed in black. 'You girls look nice.' Fran told them sadly as she got to work wiping the water up off the floor.

'What happened?'

'I made Penelope jump, she smashed a glass.'

'Is she okay?'

'Shaky, quiet, senseless.' Fran told them knowingly. 'It'll get better.' She reassured them and nodded, she had firsthand knowledge.

No more than 2 hours later they were all gathered at the Church as fleets of people swarmed and greeted and took to their seats. The team looked at Penelope, she was no longer their light, that little flame burnt out the day she was told Derek was dead. She sat motionless and unresponsive as she stared at the coffin head to toe in black, no makeup, the only jewellery she wore was her wedding rings and a gold cross, nothing else warranted wearing.

As the ceremony wore on the more emotions grew and dispersed in large quantities, it wasn't until Penelope took up to speak that everyone tensed.

She shifted her weight from one foot to the other; she sucked in a deep breath, prayed for strength and began. 'For me, my life changed the day Derek spoke to me, it all started with two little words, two stupid little words that shouldn't have been so important but were my whole world. Baby girl, I still remember that day as though it was yesterday, however, it was 10 years ago. I can bet I'm not the only one here that hasn't felt their life change from knowing him. He was among few men that can be called decent, loving, friendly, caring.' She stopped as the tears came and she closed her eyes, she thought she was doing okay until that point, she felt a hand grab hers and looked to see Hotch at her side.

'Derek, was different things to all of us but to Penelope he was her everything, it grew, and we watched and finally they gave in and got what they wanted and happiness bloomed.' Hotch continued for her as he put his arm around her and she sobbed. 'We all have the duty to carry on Derek's memory and that's what we'll do, we'll carry on Derek's memory because it is so strong and important to us. He will never be forgotten.' Hotch then lead Penelope back to her seat between him and Fran and the ceremony finished. Soon they followed the coffin outside to finish the final goodbye.

The team watched diligently as Penelope gripped Fran's hand and vice versa, as though they were supporting one another the best they could as the moments rolled out. Penelope didn't cry after that and they thought it had to be a good thing, that she had had her piece of peace given to her but they knew not to raise their hopes up too much, they needed to take it day by day and then move on into month by month. Progress for Penelope, Fran, Desiree and Sarah was going to be the hardest and slowest.

They all went back to Penelope and Derek's place but Penelope disappeared not surely after arriving, Sarah went to check on her, only to find her asleep in the bed, they decided to leave her, she needed to heal how she felt best and if that was it, then they would let it be. For now.

Fran and Hotch took matters into their own hands when Penelope hardly left the bed after 2 days, she wasn't eating and it wasn't going to help matters. Desiree and Sarah headed back to Chicago, whereas they urged Fran to stay, to help the best she could. Hotch welcomed the help, although he was round the house almost every day there was only so much he could do.

'Penelope how was it today?'

'Better... talk it out is really helping me.' Penelope admitted after walking into her house 4 weeks after Derek's death, also after dozens of therapy sessions. 'Hotch...' Penelope started. 'I want to come back to work.'

'You up for it?'

'I am.'

'Sure?'

'Positive boss man.' He smiled at hearing the nickname. 'And Fran I think it's time you left and went back to Chicago, as much as I love having you here, you have a life outside me, plus I have that man to kick me into order.' She gestured to Hotch.

'I'll book a flight as soon as.' Fran told her. 'I'm going miss you.'

'I'll miss you too. I just think I need to resume some normalcy.'

'It's good to hear.' Hotch told her. 'The guys will love to have you back at work.'

'Tomorrow... I've had my EVAL and he said I'm okay to start work.' Hotch nodded and looked at his watch. 'Hotch go and ring Jackers... he needs his dad more than I do.'

'You sure?'

'I am.' Penelope told him truthfully. 'I'm going to head to bed. I want to be bright eyed and bushy tailed for tomorrow.' She stood and hugged him before he hugged Fran and headed to the door.

Hotch walked into work the next day to find files done and searches complete, he smiled, the writing was one that was oh too familiar to them all. 'Penelope.' He said as he opened the door after a quick knock when he made it to her office.

'Welcome boss man.' She told him and spun around to greet him, there she was in coloured clothes, not as bright as they were, more black than colour, but colour none the sense.

'How long have you been here?'

'Since 7:30.'

'Nearly 2 hours!'

'Well I needed to sort my office out and dish out whatever searches that were asked.'

'You sure you're coping?'

'I am.' She told him simply. 'I just need to focus on something other than self wallowing.' Hotch accepted that and bid farewell allowing her to focus on what she needed to, like she wanted to. The team came and went as they wanted and then at the end of the day Penelope headed home to say bye to Fran before she left.

Life was resuming its normal pattern, just a member short.


	3. What Lies Beneath

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds

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It had been exactly 7 weeks since Derek's death and Hotch headed down to Penelope's office, he knocked, and received no reply, so he tried the handle, finding it locked he headed back to his office. He knew she was ill but she hadn't rung in to tell them she wouldn't be in. He checked his phone, cell and office, and found that there were no missed calls; he rang her cell and the home number, both times receiving no reply.

'JJ, I'm heading out, I'll be back in about 30 minutes.'

'Okay Hotch.' She told him and got back to work, she heard Hotch tell Rossi, Reid, Emily and the new guy Sam before leaving completely.

When Hotch arrived at Penelope's he found the caddy in the drive still and frowned, he unlocked the door with the key she'd told him to keep and headed in, he found it eerily quiet but heard running water. He headed upstairs and tapped on the door to the bathroom in the master bedroom, he was stunned to find it swing open and he heard the shower on.

'Penelope?' He asked out, he saw no form in the bathroom so walked in, his intention to turn the water off, he stopped when he saw all the positive pregnancy tests in the sink, he then saw on the mirror in lipstick the words 'Not On My Own' and the panic grew, he ran to the shower and threw the curtain back. Penelope lay motionless in the tub, still in jogging bottoms and an oversized top he had seen he wear to bed endless times before. 'Penelope!' He screamed and lunged into action as he saw the blood sipping from her wrists, the cuts too deep, the blood flow heavy. He turned the water off and on his way down grabbed towels and tied around her wrists. 'Wake up for me Garcia!' He ordered but she remained unresponsive. 'NOW!' He shouted at her but to no avail. 'No... No... you can't die.' He made sure the towels were tied tightly before fumbling to grab his phone from his pocket. He rang 911 and then Rossi, getting the response he wanted. Rossi would tell the team and head to Penelope and him.

Hotch panicked as he saw the blood soak into the towels and took matters into his own hands again with Penelope's life, and picked her up in his arms and began to carry her just as the EMT's ran in.

'How longs she been like this?' One of them asked.

'About 20 minutes give or take from when I was here.' Hotch said scared. 'I don't know how long she's been like it before that though.'

'Its okay Sir, you've done a good job.'

'She's pregnant.' He said just as Rossi rushed in. 'I think she's just found out... she's got to be over 7 weeks.' He then watched as the world seemed to speed up and the EMT's set to work faster and faster, and then rushing Penelope to the ambulance and off to the hospital.

'Come on we need to follow.' Rossi said and the two men rushed off out after the ambulance, following it with the sirens blaring, keeping up pace. 'She'll be okay.' Rossi told him for what felt like the hundredth time in one journey.

'I think she lied to us.'

'About what?'

'She said she was coping.'

'Hotch the pregnancy, that had to just tip her over the edge.' Rossi commented as they made an entrance into the hospital. 'It had to be a set back.'

'No. I don't think she's been coping at all. Everything's been too quick, her bereaving, its been and gone too fast.' Hotch said and near enough ran to the desk. 'Penelope Morgan, she was just brought in.'

'Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to take a seat until we know more.' The nurse told him and Rossi, Hotch went to speak up before Rossi dragged him to a chair. They watched people come and go before the nurse approached them again. 'If you'd like to follow me, I can give you more details.' The two men silently stood and followed the nurse to a side room. 'Mrs Morgan has been red lined to surgery.' She said once the door was shut. 'She severed the artery in her left wrist, and caught the one on her right.'

'Is she going to be okay?'

'She lost a lot of blood at the moment, she its still touch and go but the surgeons here are of the best so they'll try their hardest.' She said and smiled sweetly, an art that had been perfected with time obviously. 'I can take you to the waiting room if you like?'

'Hotch you go get cleaned up, I'll tell the others.' Hotch nodded and Rossi overheard the nurse saying she could get him some scrubs to wear due to the dampness and blood soaked patches on him. He then made his way outside and ran Emily, telling her what was happening and where they were. No more than 5 minutes later he resumed the wait with Hotch, not long the twosome grew as Reid, JJ and Emily poured in worriedly.

'Where's Sam?'

'He didn't feel comfortable... said it was a family matter, he wasn't needed.'

'Well he isn't Derek is he?' Reid said bitterly and heard everyone gasp. 'Sorry I'm just having some trouble accepting him.'

'We get that Spence.' JJ said placing her hand on his shoulder; she then turned her attention to Hotch. 'What happened?'

'She slit her wrist.' He told them and they all gasped again, this time with the tone of horror in their voice. 'There were loads of used pregnancy tests in the sink as well.'

'She's pregnant?' Hotch nodded and put his fingers to his lips, they took that as time to wait it out, questions could be asked later.

They'd taken turns to get news and each time they hadn't received any until Emily walked back with a certain ease to her. 'The doctor's just coming out to us.' She said and the doctor walked to them.

'Penelope Morgan?'

'That's us.'

'Can we speak in private please?'

'All of us?'

'You are family right?' They nodded and he motioned for them to follow him. 'Well I'd say she's lucky to be alive, she's still critical for the moment. Are there any strenuous factors that could lead to her doing this?'

'Her husband died nearly 2 months ago.'

'It seems that and the pregnancy didn't agree.'

'She is pregnant then?' Hotch asked needing a doctor to verify it rather than those white sticks that still sat in the bathroom.

'Yes we worked out about 11 weeks.' The doctor replied. 'She's weak, and we'll need to keep an eye on her.'

'What just monitoring?'

'I'm afraid she'll need a psych evaluation, due to the attempted suicide. We need to ensure she won't do this again.' He told them and saw the angst rise. 'The assessment will be conducted when she is doing better but for now she needs to focus on a recovery.'

'Is she awake?'

'Not at the moment no, we're going to keep her sedated until such time as we feel her health is at a higher standard.'

'Can we see her?'

'I'd say because of the predicament, one permanent visitor for a few days.'

'Hotch you be it.' Reid said immediately and everyone began to nod.

'Me?'

'You've helped her to most.' JJ said to back Reid's choice.

'But I haven't... I let her down.'

'Go to her.' Rossi said and pushed Hotch down the corridor with the doctor, they watched the team leader walk down the corridor. His posture scarily unlike his norm, it looked downtrodden, despondent and lacked its whole aura of confidence. That in itself told the team just how bad things were for all of them.


	4. Not Wanting To Live

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds

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Hotch did as he was suppose to, he watched over Penelope all through the night, listening to the continual beep of the heart monitor as he watched the line that showed her slow moving heart beat. He ran a hand over his forehead; the team had done everything this time, no special indications from the boss this time. JJ rang Fran, told her what had happened, and helped get her the earliest flight possible. Emily and Reid were going to get the evaluation done on Penelope and Rossi said he needed to sort some unsteady area's he wasn't quite sure of.

He'd been staring at Penelope for the past hour or so when he saw her eyes flicker before opening fully. He jumped up. 'Penelope.'

'No.' Penelope groaned through the oxygen mask as her mind caught up with where she was. 'No.' She repeated but with much more sorrow, anger, regret.

'Penelope... it's okay.'

'No.' She said as she pulled the mask off finally and pushed herself up. Hotch immediately tried to get her to lie back down. 'Leave me alone!' She shouted and pulled the wires that were restricting her from sitting up too much off her chest.

'Penelope... you need to lay back down.'

'No!' She said and gasped as the pains in her wrist began to throb before intensifying into sharp pains, she grabbed her wrist and pulled at the bandages, she felt the warmth grow as the blood began. Hotch gave up with trying to verbally and physically force her down so ran from the room. He returned with two nurses who immediately sprung into action, administrating a high sedate. He watched as the nurses sorted Penelope out. He watched her heart beat show back up on the monitor and the oxygen mask placed back over her face. He then looked at her wrists and saw the blood stains; he also saw that her right arm had no bandages on them at all.

He watched them pause. 'Is everything okay?' He asked and the nurses looked at him.

'We're going to get a doctor down here but it seems that more surgery is necessary to sort this out.'

'Really?'

'She's pulled the stitches too far apart for minor stitching.' One of them said before she left in a rush, Hotch just stared at Penelope, it was a crisis like this that they needed Derek, the one person they couldn't have. He froze to the spot, a characteristic he self loathed at that moment in time as he watched Penelope be taken from the room in haste. He then moved grabbing his phone and calling the team to give them an update.

Hotch felt the need to crawl the walls as the clock's ticking grew louder and louder. He heard the noise of the elevator, then the doors open and the team plus Fran emerge.

'Any news?' Rossi asked on approach, Hotch shook his head silently but stood up to greet Fran.

'Why did she do it?'

Hotch blew out the air trapped in his lungs and placed his hands on his heads. 'She's coming up 3 months pregnant.' He watched Fran gasp at the news and her eyes water, he put his hands back by his side. 'They're monitoring the baby alongside Penelope but she woke up this morning and started to get agitated and she tried to get up and I tried everything I could but she wouldn't settle down so I had to get a nurse.'

'So where is she now?'

'Back in surgery, she tore her arms about a bit too much.' They all nodded and took seats as the worry grew, this wasn't going well. 'Did you speak to Strauss?'

'Yeah, she's assigning us off on personal stress until such time as we can focus on the job at hand.' Rossi told him, knowing that Strauss got on better with the long running agent. It was after that that the silence consumed them all, and they began to fall into their own little world.

The word 'Aaron' shook them out of this trance as a familiar nurse appeared. 'Aaron' she repeated and Hotch stood up, knowing the nurse.

'Is everything okay?'

'You can come back down now, everything's been sorted out.'

'Is she okay?' Fran asked worriedly.

'She's Penelope's mother in law.' Hotch added.

'She's got multiple problems that have occurred from the excessive blood loss but that will all be sorted out.' They nodded in acceptance and sat down leaving Hotch standing on his own, he took one last look at them and followed the nurse down the corridor. He walked back into the room where Penelope was previous and saw her just as pale as before, just as vulnerable.

'Are those necessary?' Hotch asked a little stunned as he saw the restraints on Penelope's arm, literally tying her down.

'Well we found that earlier she is still a danger to herself, this is to help.'

'But it won't will it?'

'Aaron, this is all in Penelope's interest no one else's.' Hotch had to accept that, he could, under no such bribery, force, or pleading, undo those and allow Penelope to hurt herself because now if she died so did her baby and to the team and the Morgan's that would be 2 more members gone from their family. He pulled the chair up close and refused to clock watch but found it more and more difficult as the time wound on.

'Why?' He heard in a pained, groaned voice, his head shot up and he saw Penelope looking at him groggily. He watched her as she pulled painfully at the restraints on her arms and her need to get the oxygen mask off. Ignoring her pleading hands, he took the mask off and held it. 'Why didn't you let me die?'

'Because dying isn't the answer.'

'For me it is.' She said and the tears grew and fell. 'I don't want to live!'

'Penelope you have a whole family that want you to be around.'

'What about my want?' She asked as her mind cleared and she felt less like she was in fog. 'I want my husband back, my best friend; I DON'T want this thing in me.'

'Penelope that baby is a part of Derek.'

'But he isn't a part of life anymore!' She said and she pulled more at her arms. 'I can't do it alone! A baby needs a mom and a dad! Not one or the other!'

'You have us lot though.'

'It's not the same.' She sobbed at him. 'I feel so empty, nothing I do is fulfilling! I don't have a drive for life!' She told him. 'I don't want to live anymore!' She told him again and a nurse walked into the room.

'IIs everything okay?'

'Let me out!' Penelope said as she yanked her arms. 'I don't want to be here.' The nurse saw the aggression rise in Penelope's voice so left and came back sedating her again.

'She was fine.' Hotch said as he handed the oxygen mask over and she placed it back on.

'I think you need to get some rest.'

'She needs someone with her.'

'From the crowd you were with I don't think she's going to be alone.'

'I thought she could only have visitor.'

'I think alternating will work out more for you all and Penelope.' The nurse said and placed a hand on her head. 'You've been here for hours now, if you don't rest you'll end up in here with exhaustion.' Hotch nodded. 'If you want to help her, you need to be on top form.'


	5. Truths

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds

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As the following days rolled out the team and Fran's worry grew as Penelope retreated to a place that silenced her. At first it was due to the sedatives to calm her down but afterwards she just gave up on interacting.

'How did it go?' Hotch asked as the psychiatrist left Penelope's hospital room.

'I'm going to get her moved to the psychiatric unit.' He told Hotch. 'She'll get the treatment for both her mental and physical injuries there but she's almost catatonic and the little she does say is either a couple of words about her husband or reasons for her to not live. That in itself tells us she is not allowed to be on her own, and until something can lift her she's going to continue to yearn to die.'

Hotch nodded and breathed out heavily. 'How long's she going to be in there?'

'We can't put a time limit on that type of thing; each person responds individually, its going to be a slow progress nonetheless.' He told Hotch. 'You can go back in now though.'

'Thank you.'

'No worries... we'll be moving her in a couple of days.' He then left Hotch to re-enter Penelope's room.

He applied a smile to his lips and walked in to find her staring out of the window. 'Hey.' He said gently but got no responsive; he knew he would never get used to this behaviour from Penelope. 'You going to talk to me today?'

'We need to empty Derek's stuff out.' Penelope near enough grumbled as she scrunch up on her side, no more restraints meant that she had freedom to move more and so it had been to lay in the foetal position, a protective trait that everyone did Hotch assured himself.

'Penelope...' Hotch said knowing that she didn't need to do this.

'It needs to be gone.'

'We'll do it...'

'Now... it needs out, its cluttering, he isn't coming back. As much as I wish he was he isn't, we buried him.' Hotch reluctantly agreed with her, at least she was speaking a little more, but now she had resumed silence and her eyes stared off.

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'You need to sort this out Erin.' Rossi said as he paced the office of Erin Strauss, one of the few people that held power to a lot of areas in the bureau.

'Me? Rossi, they shouldn't have gotten together.' She defended. 'Frat rules are put in place for reasons. I thought if anyone, you'd know that!'

'You can't blame them for falling in love! How about you and your husband? Would you have cared if he worked for the same boss as you?' He saw her hesitate. 'I didn't think so, yet you pressurized them both, you gave them that ultimatum.'

'Agent Morgan took it.'

'Yes! So that Garcia could stay with the team, he wanted her safe. What you didn't think about would be what the repercussions would be of it and they're going from bad to worse.'

'How?'

'I've just gotten off the phone with Hotch, Garcia's being moved to a psychiatric unit within the hospital.'

'You can't possibly hold me responsible.'

'Garcia spiralled when she was told Morgan had died. That makes it your fault to go about it in such a way.' Rossi told her straight, she needed to feel the responsibility of her actions. 'I get that to do this Morgan would get your permission to work within the same department as Garcia but there are other ways for him to prove his loyalty to both work and life outside of work. The pair had been doing a pretty good damn job of it beforehand.'

'I see that now.'

'When all is said and done that is.'

'Okay Rossi I get it!' Erin said not liking this berating session that was just dished upon her. 'I get that we didn't plan this correctly and I apologise immensely for that but what's done is done.'

'You can retract it.'

'What nearly over 2 months in?'

'Exactly.'

'Fine!' She said throwing her hands up in the air before grabbing the phone and angrily punching numbers in. 'No one talks to me like you just did Rossi. No one!' She said as the phone rang, she then narrowed her eyes as the line was picked up. 'Bring SSA Derek Morgan home.'


	6. Being Told

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds

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_**A/N:**_ You really thought I could kill one half of the best shippers going? That's like a cardinal sin that is! Lol... one day it might truly happen... lets hope not!

Anywho! Hope you're enjoying and continue to enjoy! =)

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'Erin it's been 2 days... why the hold up?'

'He had to go through debriefing and clearing.' Strauss told Rossi and then looked at her watch. 'Come with me.' Strauss said and left her office, leading him to some other area in the building block, they walked into a room just as Derek entered through another door on the opposite side. He looked up and smiled, glad to see a familiar face.

'Sit down Agent Morgan.'

'What's this about?'

'We have some personal matters to address.'

'If it's me and Penelope, I'll go back undercover until you verify it all.'

'No... it's all verified and cleared. This matter is about Penelope.'

Derek paled and took a seat. 'What's happened?'

Strauss looked at Rossi, who sucked in a deep breath before exhaling. 'Penelope attempted to commit suicide last week.'

'What!' Derek bellowed. 'I need to get to her.'

'Not yet, you need to know all the details Morgan.' Strauss calmed the situation, but she could see that he was itching to get to where his wife was.

'Morgan she found out she was pregnant last week as well, she lied to us, even the councillor here. She made us all believe she was coping but she wasn't, Hotch found her last Tuesday, he saved her life but she's gradually getting worse.'

'I told you it wouldn't end well but you wouldn't believe me!' Derek said panicking. 'I said to fake my death wouldn't work but you told me it would be fine... you should've listened to me!'

'I know and I apologise immensely for this error, really I do.'

'The baby?'

'She's still pregnant; they're monitoring the baby due to mass blood loss that occurred.'

'How did she do it?'

'She slit her wrists.' Rossi said solemnly. 'Your mom and Hotch are at the hospital the most, Hotch is the primary visitor but she's becoming catatonic and from the psych EVAL's she's hating the baby.'

'I need to get there.' Derek said standing up and staring at them. 'My wife needs me! Now!'

'Okay...' Strauss said with minimal understanding. 'Rossi go take him. Morgan your team have time off, I'll extend yours to however long you need off.'

'Thanks.' Derek grumbled and threw the door open before leaving, Rossi quick on his heels in a bid to get him to the hospital as soon as. 'When can she come home?'

'They don't know yet.'

'Why not?'

'Derek, she really doesn't want to live and I'm not just saying that, I mean it... she's given up.' Derek blew out a breath and got straight into the familiar SUV outside, they drove in silence and when they got to the hospital Rossi looked at him. 'She just wants to be with you.' His phone then rang. 'What's up Hotch?' Derek listened to the pause. 'Yeah I'm just coming up now.' Another pause. 'Oh right, yeah I'll see you in like 2 minutes.' He put the phone down and then put it away. 'Let's go.'

'They don't know do they?'

'Only me, you and Strauss know about the deal she made you do.' Rossi told him. 'Hotch is just coming down, let's get that over with.'

'What if Pen doesn't want me?'

'She will.'

'But what if I make it worse, she thinks I'm dead.' Derek said confusedly not knowing if entering the hospital was a wise idea. 'I can't do that to her.'

'Come on, I am not going in that hospital alone.' Rossi told him sternly and then got out. 'Hotch!' He called out as Hotch rushed out through the doors, the boss approached as Derek got out, Hotch froze and just stared.

'What the hell?'

'Hotch let me explain.' Derek said.

'You died, we were there.'

'Strauss made him a deal Hotch.' Rossi said defending Derek. 'She made him do it, to keep the team together, to keep Penelope with us.'

'But she isn't with us is she?' Hotch said back and Rossi saw a bit more of Derek crash and burn.

'No but Strauss she gave him an ultimatum, if he and Penelope didn't divorce then the team would be separated and exiled to Christ knows.'

'So you faked your own death to keep our team one?'

'Yeah, Strauss she told it would be for 3 months, that way I would show my loyalty to the team, the job, and to Pen.'

'Why didn't you come to me?'

'I went to Rossi because he knows how to handle Strauss and he almost got her to get me to do something else but then she retracted and said this was the only way.' Derek said almost frightened, not a trait they saw often. 'I didn't have a choice and I didn't think this would happen.'

Hotch pulled Derek into a quick reassuring hug, more of a welcome home, fatherly hug. 'Don't blame yourself, this is all because of Strauss, none of it is your fault.' He noticed that Derek didn't believe him. 'Just believe me on this okay?'

'The others? My mom? Pen?'

'Let's get you up to them and then go from there.' Hotch said and led the men inside, all in silence. The whole way up in silence.

'They moved her then?' Rossi asked as Hotch led them to another area in the hospital.

'Why would they move her?' Derek asked a little frightened.

'She was in the ICU but now she's in the psychiatric unit.' Hotch replied sadly and felt Derek stop walking. 'It's to help her.' He then prompted Derek and led the rest of the way, straight into the are where the rest of the team were sitting, they all looked at up and gawped.

'Derek?' Emily said her voice breaking as though she was confused. 'What... I... I mean... you're dead.'

'Strauss.' Rossi said and immediately they understood. Emily and JJ stood up and wrapped their arms around him.

'I'm so sorry.' Derek whispered.

'Don't apologise, we're just so happy you're back.' JJ said on Emily's behalf as they both started to cry, and as they pulled away they saw that Derek was crying.

'She'll get through this.' He nodded and they knew he was doubtful.

'I'll go get Fran.' Hotch said and walked down the corridor, they watched him tap on a door on the right and then enter.

Reid stood up sheepishly and couldn't help but wrap his arms around Derek. 'You ever do this again and I will personally kill you for the team and Pen.'

'Oh will you now?'

'Yeah I will.' He said and as they separated Derek rustled his hair in the brotherly way they always had but Derek stiffened as Fran left the room and started walking towards them with her eyes down, when she looked up she just stared in shock. He approached her but didn't smile.

'Oh my.' Fran said and then felt a little dizzy. Derek caught her and she looked up into her son's face. 'I thought you were dead.'

'I know and I'm so sorry for that. I really am...' Derek said as he finally broke completely. 'I didn't know this would happen.'

'Hey... you need to calm down and go to Penelope.... go on, go be with her.' Fran urged her son encouragingly, she pushed him gently towards the door and watched him tap and open the door before disappearing into the room.


	7. Unveiling It All

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds

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Derek stood at the door and watched Hotch as he sat on the bed, trying to entice some form of communication from Penelope, she just stared out of the window and in this time he had time to survey her over.

It was then he realised just how ill she was, her wrists were bandaged and with it he saw the cushioned cuffs to restrain her, he also saw the IV in her hand and he stepped out of the room.

'Where are you going?' He heard someone call after him but he felt dazed and sunk against the wall as the tears erupted from his eyes. He heard his name in multiple tones and volumes as he reached the floor and his head sunk into his arms.

He finally looked up when he heard Hotch's stern voice. 'Morgan.' Hotch knelt down, placing a hand on his shoulder. 'You're here way out of this... admittedly it won't be easy but you are the key.'

'I can't just walk in there...'

'Want me to talk to her?'

'Is that going to work? She won't believe it.'

'Only one way to try.' Hotch said and got up and left before any further objections could be spoken. Hotch walked into the room, shutting the door behind him he approached the bed like he had done on many occasions in the last weeks or so. 'Penelope.'

'What's happening outside?' She asked still staring off.

'Just a little hiccup.' He said as he perched on the bed and took Penelope's hand in his, she didn't respond it just stayed limp in his grasp. 'Penelope... I need to tell you something and we've only just found out ourselves but it's about Derek.' He saw her eyes ignite with a bit of life at just hearing his name. 'Strauss made him do a special undercover assignment to make sure we didn't get separated, he was made to do it or he had to get a divorce from you... it was for 3 months, starting the day we entered that building.' Penelope's eyes twisted with confusion. 'Derek asked Rossi for help; Derek wanted an easier way to show his commitment to his job, the team and most importantly you.'

'I- I don't understand.'

'Derek's death wasn't real... Strauss made it plausible that he had died, Derek wasn't in that building Penelope.' He said and saw her eyes begin to tear up and the tears run new tracks down her cheeks.

'No one believed me!' She said getting agitated. 'I would've known he was dead but everyone made me believe I was wrong!'

'I know Penelope, but I had been there, it was too believable.' Hotch said feeling himself welling up at her reaction. 'He is alive. Derek's alive.'

'Where is he? He isn't here is he?' She said as adrenaline seemed to filter into her veins and she shot up. 'He can't see what I've done!'

'Penelope he understands.'

'No! He won't to be married to someone that takes the weak way out!'

'You are not weak Penelope! He wants to help you!'

'He can't see me like this.' She said getting hysterical now; it was more lively for Penelope than she had been in the encroaching weeks to her attempt to ditch life. 'I- I- I'm not worthy.'

'Penelope let him be the decider of that.'

'No!' She said as she fought the restraints. 'I need to get out of here, away from here!' Hotch tried to calm Penelope, ignoring the door clicking open and Derek walked in hesitantly. 'He won't love me now!'

'Oh baby girl...' And it was as those words slipped from his lips that Penelope broke into a new torrent of tears. As those words snaked around the cells of her minds, gripping her, she knew she should've trusted her gut. 'Goddess...' He used another nickname he had used under so many pretences, the tone so right, the depth to the voice correct, the man saying it so poignant and it was as the realisation hit her that she felt the need to be swallowed up. Derek moved into the room. 'I'm here now baby girl.' Penelope froze as the familiarity of his touch tingled her skin. 'Get a nurse Hotch.'

'Why?'

'I want these removed from her wrists!' Derek said angrily as he saw Penelope restrained. 'She isn't going to get better all the time they keep her like this! This isn't healthy!' He watched Hotch leave and placed a hand in hers, the other by her head and he leant down to her crying face. 'You need to calm down... I'm so sorry... I get it if you can never forgive me but I need you to know how sorry I am.' Penelope couldn't cease her crying, it was all she could do, she couldn't get used to his voice reverberating in her ears. He felt her squeeze his hand weakly and the tears built back up. 'I love you so much.'

'I really wanted to die.' She whispered to him as the nurse came in. 'I can't do it alone.'

Derek stood up straight as he was dragged away and the nurse injected Penelope's IV and she calmed into a slumber. Derek felt the anger bubble as he realised just how they were treating her. He saw the nurse begin to exit the room. 'Take the restraints off her!'

'I'm sorry but we can't.'

'I'm telling you as her husband... take the God damn restraints off her! She isn't an animal... she's a human being!'

'Sir, we cannot until she is no longer a risk to herself.'

'She isn't a risk...' The nurse remained unmoved. 'Fine!' He said and took them off himself. 'She does not deserve this treatment.'

'Derek you need to calm down.'

'I won't!' Derek said back even more angered. 'I was trying to calm her down but _she_ walks in and does this! This isn't going to help Penelope get better!' The nurse seemed to get where Derek was coming from there and then, her eyes moved with the understanding. 'You're drugging her; you aren't giving Penelope the opportunity to get better!'

'Derek...' Hotch started and stopped Derek before he could go off on a longer verbal warpath. 'You've just started to help her get better properly.'


	8. Getting Over It

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds

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Penelope opened her eyes and felt the freedom from the restraints, she felt a familiar bear like hand in hers, subconsciously massaging her hand. She closed her eyes scared to open them and it all be dream so she remained still, not willing to face the harsh world of reality.

'Baby girl.' She heard the nickname she cherished and lap up the feeling it made her feel. 'You going to look at me?'

'No.'

'Please?'

'No.'

'Baby, I need you to look at me.'

'No.'

'I'm going nowhere.'

'But you will, you aren't real.'

Derek's eyes widened at how far she was in this mental break. 'I'm not going anywhere ever again.' He told her forcefully. 'So will you open your eyes?'

'No, I just want to keep you here with me forever.' She said as the bitter tears ran down her cheeks again.

'Pen... open your eyes and tell me that.' She shook her head. 'Fine I'm going to sit here, holding you until you open your eyes.' He said to her as he sat on the bed, making sure she felt the major dip as he sat, grabbing her hand and running his thumb over it in an unconscious gesture. After several minutes he saw her eyes start to open. 'Come on open them.' He encouraged her and she opened her eyes and stared at him. 'Told you I wasn't going anywhere.'

'You might.'

'I am not going anywhere.' He said kissing her forehead. 'I want you to know that I am never doing anything like that to you again.'

'But Strauss...'

'Be damned... I'd rather lose my job than lose you.'

'You did it for me?'

'So we could stick with the team, have our family, she threatened to separate us all, and I didn't want that P.... I didn't want you to lose your own family, so I took the job and she allowed us to work together and be married but this... this was not what I expected to happen.' Derek said without realising he was crying. 'I'm so sorry.'

At his admittance to the circumstance Penelope felt a pang of guilt release in her, bubble and boil over. At seeing her husband's declaration through tears she felt something click back into place in her mind.

'It's going to get better.' She whispered without thought, she just spoke, and it felt right, out of all the things she had spoken in the previous weeks she didn't feel like she was lying to him or that she was deceiving anyone. 'It will.' She reinforced again.

'Baby...'

'It's going to take a while but it will get better.'

'I've missed that voice Penelope.' Hotch said from the doorway. 'You've barely strung sentences together lately.'

'Sorry.'

'Don't be, but you ever scare me like you did last week and I'll personally spank you for Morgan.' He saw Derek straighten up, wiping his face free of tears. 'Good work Derek.'

'Hotch...' Penelope said meekly, still a little disconnected but with the Penelope escalating to it.

'Yeah.'

'I'm so sorry that I lied to you.'

'It's okay, I wished I'd seen that everything wasn't fine.'

'I had no right to lie to you though and throwing myself into the job was helping, it was but then I had the signs of being pregnant and I don't know the more positive tests I did the more I felt like I couldn't go on.'

Hotch stepped into the room and approached the bed. 'I understand Penelope, I do. You just needed to realised a couple of things, one is that you aren't alone in this world, never have been since you started in the job and secondly, that baby and you are even more precious than you even know, you go they go, just understand that okay?'

'I will.'

'Oh and thirdly, that thing in you, is a creation of you and Derek, not one or the other, it's you baby, your little you, so embrace it.'

'I will.' Penelope repeated again, and then she let a smile creep across her lips.

'I'll see you later; I'm going to take the others out for some breakfast, I think you two have a lot to talk about.' Hotch said and then left the pair to it, he left with the smile back on his face. The team immediately noticed it and settled their nerves.

Derek looked at his wife, he saw from her expression that they had far to go, but he also saw a part of her restoring itself slowly and gradually.

'We'll get there baby girl.' He told her and gave her a kiss, she began to sit up slowly, he worried initially, he had no idea the extent of her attempt to end life had had on her but he saw her use her own strength to sit up. 'Where you going mamma?'

'I want one of the many things I have missed these last 8 weeks.' She replied honestly and opened her arms the best her weakened nervous system would allow her to do, Derek saw the yearn for a hug and followed through, granting her the feeling of him against her. They sat there for a while, his arms around her, her arms clinging on to him.

'That what you wanted?'

'I wanted to feel your heart beat again.' She whispered in his ear painfully. 'I needed it to prove to me that I was alive.'

He pulled away. 'You are alive, I'm alive, and then nightmare is going to get better baby girl.' He told her, never breaking eye contact. 'Together we are going to get through this.'


	9. The Real Life

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds

* * *

'I put flowers down every day.' Penelope near enough whispered as she stared out of the window. 'It went against everything that I was thinking, that I believed but I did it because maybe one day I'd go there and realise that this was how my life was.'

'I'm sorry you had to feel like that baby girl.'

'I was the only one that wouldn't accept you were dead... I'd know, I'd feel it but everyone told me that I was in the wrong.' Penelope then turned and smiled a genuine smile. 'Just don't ever die on me.'

'I promise not to... I won't throw myself into silly predicaments; I have a wife and child to go home to now.'

'So you want this baby?'

'Yes! Why the hell wouldn't I? I mean it's amazing!' He said hugging her. 'I just think you'd get better back home.'

'I don't know, I mean, I did this there.' She said putting her hands out in front of her.

'Well then we'll move, to a better place, with a perfect room for the baby, we can even build the place ourselves if need be! Anything to get you better.' He told her with a smile, the truth sitting neatly in that smile. 'I'm going to try my hardest to get this right.'

'You being here is helping me.' She replied almost bashfully at him. 'It really is. I feel alive again.' She said as he eloped her in his arms, breathing in his scent, hearing his heartbeat, sucking in his presence every way possible.

The next thing she realised was the harsh knocking, she jolted, rolled over and tried to blank it, she was comfortable in the fresh smelling sheets of the bed. 'Go away.' She muttered in a soft groan and nuzzled into her pillow more but the knock became harder, and sharper, and more incessant.

Her mind raced and picked up at that moment in time. She was home, in her old apartment, her arms were free of bandages. She looked at them; twisted them around for closer inspection, there were no marks, cuts, scars, just perfectly smooth untainted skin. He placed a hand on her stomach; she wasn't even in the slightest bit pregnant. Her last look was at her left hand, her eyes slowly scanned her hand, up her finger, there were no rings, no wedding bands.

It was a dream, a nightmare, another beautiful nightmare.

She didn't have Derek, they weren't married, she wasn't carrying the man she loved baby. She was just his best friend. Nothing more.

The knock came again. 'Baby girl! Open the God damn door!' Came a voice in a near berating tone. 'I know you're in there! You've had us all worried about you! We know you're ill!'

That made everything hit her with full throttle. She'd had a fever, she thought she was coming down with the flu but it seemed to pass within 24 hours. The fever must have made her hallucinate a future of her life somehow.

Made her usual Derek filled dreams even more intensified and dramatic. She got up at that point, stood up and realised how stiff she was. She forgot about a hoodie, or a dressing gown and just walked to the door in her pyjama bottoms and strappy top where the pounding continued. She opened it and smiled brilliantly at Derek Morgan as he stood there with bags of shopping.

'Good morning to you too.'

'Hardly morning Penelope... try 3 in the afternoon!'

'What! You are kidding me right? Shit I didn't ring in.'

'We gathered you were ill from the way you looked yesterday before Hotch sent you home... you feeling any better?'

'Amazingly yes, my fever must've broke while I slept.' She said sitting down on one of the stools by the kitchen. She then sighed heavily, the intensity of all that heart ache, all that passion she'd felt from Derek, all that love, all that happiness that had exuded her was all fake. Reality hit her again.

'What's up?'

'Nothing.' She muttered disappointed but then felt a wave of déjà vu wash over her.

'It's something, so what is it?'

'Just a dream but it won't ever happen.'

'What was it about?' Derek pressed as he stocked her fringe up more.

'It was just a dream sugar pants now leave it be.' She told him and watched him. 'You didn't need to shop for me.'

'Hey! My baby girl was ill, I wanted to help.' She said to her with a smile, then he shut the door and pushed it shut. 'So if you're feeling better does that mean you're still contagious?'

'I don't know.'

'Let's try.' He told her and approached her, he roped his arms around her, pulled her up, so he was resting on his chest and kissed her passionately, her eyes closed but her mind exploded. It was the kiss from the dream, identical to it. 'I love you.' Derek spoke softly when they parted, his eyes meeting hers, his smiles reaching its maximum limit.

Penelope gulped. 'This is just like it.'

'Huh? Just like what?'

'Kiss me again.' She answered, he shrugged, it might not have been the answer he wanted but it sure as hell worked for him. This time he deepened the kiss with his hands running up and down her back, one resting on her hip, the other knotting in her hair. When they pulled apart she looked at him. 'I love you too.'

'Good.' He pecked her lips. 'Now, what was this like?' She bit her lip. 'Tell me.'

'A dream, that's all.'

Derek smiled more. 'Well my dreams must be true as well then.' He said with a slight laugh.

'This isn't going to ruin us is it?' She said as the doubt crept over her and engulfed her.

'Ruin us? Baby girl we have the best foundation to move on... I know you inside and out, like you know me. This is a hold no bars relationship, I want you for the rest of my life.'

She gulped again. 'Just if Strauss doesn't like it, don't do any undercover work please.' Derek looked at her confused, his eyes questioning her. 'This is identical to my dream, it all started this way and it near enough ended horribly so promise me you'll find a way out of it, and promise to never leave me, I don't think I'll survive.'

'I'll promise as much as I can goddess, but for now I'll love you the right way.' He kissed her again and Penelope's body radiated happiness, she had what she wanted and although the foreseeable future was a dream like existent with a person like Strauss on the disapproving side of life she knew it could happen.

At least this time she wasn't blind to such a thing, she knew what could materialised and she knew she could avoid it.

She didn't want a worse fallout like that one all over again and right there with the promise made and Derek's arms wrapped around her she knew she would've have to worry about it.

* * *

_**The End!**_

_**A/N**_: So my muse isn't friendly to me! Some of the stories I have going have bursts of inspirations but this one died, so I thought I'd put a twist on it and be done with it.

I hope you enjoyed it!

Thanks for all the reviews and for all those that read.


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